A Wonderful Life

Originally posted  here . It’s been a long season of quiet sadness for me over the last seven months. A really long season. I have struggled with depression in a way that I never had before (read more  here , if you’d like) and am just now beginning to emerge, by the grace of God. And I am so relieved. Over the past two years, God has sent me bald eagles for encouragement and as a reminder that he is with me in whatever I am facing, celebrating, grieving, or otherwise going through. Sometimes I see them frequently (usually when things are more challenging) and sometimes it’s less frequent, but it’s definitely been “our thing” and it speaks to my heart so intimately. I was having a particularly difficult Sunday morning trying to get to church early with a 3½-year-old in tow in order to practice with the band, singing my second duet at our new church. I slipped and almost fell on my daughter on the ice, and barely caught us against the cold car door. Then I realized the scr...

 This post was originally published  here . “Please wait,” I find myself saying regularly to my children these days. Whether they are both requesting something at the same time or talking to me while I’m in the middle of something else, I have this response at the ready. Sometimes I’m able to answer with patience and gentleness in my voice (semi Mary Poppins sing-song, even) and other times, not so much. Thankfully, when we are in periods of waiting and longing and find ourselves crying out to God with requests of our own, he never runs out of patience, kindness, gentleness, and grace as he answers, “Please wait.” Sometimes my kids are in the other room and call for a snack, while I’m literally plating their dinner. I answer, “Please wait; it’s almost time for dinner,” but they have a hard time understanding how long that really means before they can eat something. I know that what I’m getting ready for them is much better than a snack and will satisfy much longer. I know it c...

Today at church our pastor Rob talked about making room for Jesus in our lives. The Spirit really moved me through the words God spoke through Rob and God's word. Rob even used the illustration of our son running laps around the chairs in church, with me chasing after him, and how Zachy paused every so often with his hand up and extended towards me with a "come on, mama." There were tears for many, including me. The Holy Spirit began preparing a response I felt prompted to share in front of the whole church, unrehearsed, raw, ripe with tears and a shaky voice. Here's what He's teaching me and I shared (paraphrased, but hopefully still true to the first raw response I shared just an hour or so ago). Ever since becoming Zachy's mama, I've been learning to "make room" for him and who he is. I've struggled with my own pride and expectations, fears and definitions of belonging. I've learned a lot and still have more to learn, but so far, w...

I wrote this in my journal a while back, after a challenging time with my little guy. I continue to learn and see that grief is rarely definable nor the same from one experience of it to the next. This is what grief looked and felt like that day, in that moment. Grief Surprising, unexpected  overwhelming waves big things, small things hard and important things. Skills gained and not yet gained and  w onder if they ever will be gained. Big wins, big losses hard conversations. Exhausted coach and referee. Daily life. Wonder if I'm doing enough when I see him struggle or others struggle with him. Broken heart at lost dreams. Repaired heart with new ones. And hope. And pride. And love. And.

Even though I started this journey of hunting for #ValentinesFromAbove during Lent two years ago, I still find it the most impactful, enriching and encouraging way for me to observe Lent. I already relate to the sacrifice of Christ more in this season of parenting two littles and working outside the home full-time, as well as being the only parent in our home with paid time off to cover all of the sick days, school early releases and days off from school. A lot sits on my shoulders, and that's okay, but I don't need to add to that unnecessarily.  What I need every year during Lent is a reconnection to God's amazing, beautiful, personal love for me; which is what fueled Christ to sacrifice Himself in our place on the cross to pay for our sins, in the first place. I need to be reminded of how well God knows me, loves me and wants to show me that He's with me all the time. I need to be shown the beauty of His creation and presence and perfect timing and plans and lookin...

 Originally posted here . This is nothing like a sister-wife. But I believe that having a pastor-husband saved me from the brink of nearly losing myself to postpartum anxiety after the birth of my second child. My steady, anchoring husband has always been the one in our relationship with two feet on the ground, while I have a tendency to float around in the sky like a kite chasing the wind. The wind in my life before children included things like honey-do lists, adventures to have, projects to complete, gardening that took much longer than planned… nothing crazy. When I got excited and ran down the bunny trail, he ran with me, but helped me remain realistic when I needed it and could always pick me up if I tripped and fell down. A beautiful example of Christ’s love, I know. Fast-forward through having a first child with special needs and the journey that led to the birth of our second, one week after my husband got his Master’s of Divinity Degree (a.k.a. pastoral degree). I spent t...

 Originally posted here . Our pastor recently talked about how he is more curious about the questions behind what people actually ask out loud than the questions themselves. He was talking about faith-based conversations, but I experience the need to practice this discipline more often when talking to adults about my husband and I parenting a child who has developmental delays. When we started our journey with our sweet now four-and-a-half year old, the following is a list of common questions and my knee-jerk mental reactions. I usually held my tongue pretty well, but not every time. Question : Wow, what a cute baby, how old is he? I would answer. Next question : He’s really small; was he premature? Thought:  Why are you asking? Do you think we don’t feed him enough and your best fat-filled diet will be the next thing out of your mouth? Answer:  No, he was two days overdue. Comment:  Oh really? My child (or I) was… and…they/I caught up eventually, I’m sure he will to...