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Making Room

Today at church our pastor Rob talked about making room for Jesus in our lives. The Spirit really moved me through the words God spoke through Rob and God's word. Rob even used the illustration of our son running laps around the chairs in church, with me chasing after him, and how Zachy paused every so often with his hand up and extended towards me with a "come on, mama." There were tears for many, including me.

The Holy Spirit began preparing a response I felt prompted to share in front of the whole church, unrehearsed, raw, ripe with tears and a shaky voice. Here's what He's teaching me and I shared (paraphrased, but hopefully still true to the first raw response I shared just an hour or so ago).

Ever since becoming Zachy's mama, I've been learning to "make room" for him and who he is. I've struggled with my own pride and expectations, fears and definitions of belonging. I've learned a lot and still have more to learn, but so far, when…

Grief

I wrote this in my journal a while back, after a challenging time with my little guy. I continue to learn and see that grief is rarely definable nor the same from one experience of it to the next. This is what grief looked and felt like that day, in that moment.

Grief

Surprising, unexpected 
overwhelming waves
big things, small things
hard and important things.

Skills gained and not yet gained and 
wonder if they ever will be gained.
Big wins, big losses
hard conversations.
Exhausted coach and referee.
Daily life.

Wonder if I'm doing enough
when I see him struggle
or
others struggle with him.

Broken heart at lost dreams.
Repaired heart with new ones.
And hope.
And pride.
And love.
And.

#ValentinesFromAbove

Even though I started this journey of hunting for #ValentinesFromAbove during Lent two years ago, I still find it the most impactful, enriching and encouraging way for me to observe Lent. I already relate to the sacrifice of Christ more in this season of parenting two littles and working outside the home full-time, as well as being the only parent in our home with paid time off to cover all of the sick days, school early releases and days off from school. A lot sits on my shoulders, and that's okay, but I don't need to add to that unnecessarily. 

What I need every year during Lent is a reconnection to God's amazing, beautiful, personal
love for me; which is what fueled Christ to sacrifice Himself in our place on the cross to pay for our sins, in the first place. I need to be reminded of how well God knows me, loves me and wants to show me that He's with me all the time. I need to be shown the beauty of His creation and presence and perfect timing and plans and looking …