Skip to main content

The Question Behind the Question

 Originally posted here.

Our pastor recently talked about how he is more curious about the questions behind what people actually ask out loud than the questions themselves. He was talking about faith-based conversations, but I experience the need to practice this discipline more often when talking to adults about my husband and I parenting a child who has developmental delays.

When we started our journey with our sweet now four-and-a-half year old, the following is a list of common questions and my knee-jerk mental reactions. I usually held my tongue pretty well, but not every time.

Question: Wow, what a cute baby, how old is he?

I would answer.

Next question: He’s really small; was he premature?

Thought: Why are you asking? Do you think we don’t feed him enough and your best fat-filled diet will be the next thing out of your mouth?

Answer: No, he was two days overdue.

Comment: Oh really? My child (or I) was… and…they/I caught up eventually, I’m sure he will too.

Thought: Gee, thanks. Glad you asked?

Answer: Thanks, bye. (With as much politeness as I could muster.)

The conversation didn’t get any better than this. People panicked or didn’t know what to say, so after a number of these uncomfortable exchanges, I developed canned responses to end the conversation as quickly as possible, to avoid the awkwardness that was sure to follow if I didn’t. I learned that I didn’t owe people our story (least of all in the checkout lanes at Target, no offense), but I also learned that it is a gift to share God’s provision to our family and in his life.

Now, I try to consider what people might actually mean by their questions, to help me temper my responses and have greater understanding for where they are coming from. If people don’t have a child like ours in their lives, I have to remember that their vocabulary may not contain the “right words” so I’m not offended by their genuine curiosity or nervous attempts at whatever they think is normal to say. Now here are some of the thoughts I have to the same questions:

Question: What a cute little boy, how old is he?

Thought: Remember, this is a normal conversational question, just be honest.

Answer: He’s the cutest little four-and-a-half year old you’ll probably ever meet, and he has a huge heart and personality.

Next Question: He is really small, but he’s so cute. Was he premature?

Answer: Thank you, we think so and we’re very proud of him. He was actually 2 days overdue, but his body just grows slower than most kids.

Comment: Oh, okay, that’s interesting. I can tell you’re proud of him and he seems so happy!

You can tell there’s a huge difference when I pause to consider the question behind the question. It took me awhile to get to this point, and I don’t always get it right, but I do more often than not. I continue to ask God to help me remember to pause and consider the heart behind the questions and answer that, especially when the words don’t come out quite right.

Where are the areas in your life or the lives of those closest to you that are hot spots? I hope this is an encouragement to pause before you respond and to try to answer the caring heart behind the questions. You might just find a new friend in an unexpected place, if you do!

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

If You're Going to Put on Makeup

  If you’re going to put on makeup, you’ll probably start with some mascara. When you take out your mascara, you’ll remember you like to curl your eyelashes first, so you’ll have to find your curler. When you find your curler, you’ll slowly put your eyelashes in, one eyelid at a time. Curling your eyelashes will remind you of how fun it is to curl your hair, so you’ll probably find your curling iron and plug it in. While it’s heating up, you’ll get inspired about what to wear, so you’ll go to your closet to pick something out. You’ll choose a favorite shirt and pair of pants and excitedly put them on. When you step into your pants, you’ll notice your toenail polish is peeling off and decide that it would be fun to have them match your favorite shirt. So you’ll go to the cupboard and take out your nail polish remover and select the right color. You’ll remove your peeling polish and see the blinking light of inactivity on your curling iron. So you’ll wash your hands and curl your hai...

Don't Worry About the Small Stuff

.... And most of it is small stuff. Lately I've been thinking about how much other people have the potential to either make you smile or get under your skin. I've recently encountered several situations in which I had been struggling to not let other people completely ruin my experience with something or my attitude about things. Through a lot of processing, I realized that I was trying to micro-manage and control other people's responses, thoughts, actions and words in my own strange way. I was giving them the power to dictate whether or not I enjoy myself and enjoy life. How strange of me! Then I realized that a lot of people tend to do that (although usually subconsciously) and end up being so frustrated by everyone else's junk or bad attitudes that they themselves become junk-carrying crabby people. So I figured, hey, I have enough stuff to carry around on my own. Why on earth would I try to also figure out your issues? (unless of course you ask for help) Plus, ...

Ding-Dong-Ditch Isn’t Just for Kids

 This post was originally published here . A few weeks ago, I brought a meal to a friend whose son had gone through surgery about a week earlier. As we had a quick visit in her kitchen, she asked if I had brought a meal to our mutual friend who is battling cancer, and I told her I hadn’t been able to yet. I had been reaching out to her to try to find time to connect and planned to bring a meal, but I couldn’t get anything on the calendar, so the meal hadn’t been shared yet. My friend told me that when they had been in the hospital with their son in the NICU, the only way she could accept offers for a meal was if people dropped it off on the doorstep and left it in containers that didn’t need to be returned. I asked for clarification. “So, they basically ding-dong-ditched you and left a meal behind?” “Exactly, and it was amazing,” she answered. “Aha! I will offer to do the same for our friend,” I replied. The next week, I was making a huge batch of potato soup and I texted the other...